You can't beat me. I won't let you win. Can you just go away?
Anxiety is unexplainable. One minute I'm laughing away, travelling, doing any normal person would be doing, the next minute I'm shut in my house incapable of facing the outside world. Why does this happen to us? When we've done nothing wrong and just want to live the best life but we can no longer. We can no longer do the simplest of things, no longer just breathe normally, no longer sit down for 5 minutes without feeling like you are at the absolute bottom of the world. We can no longer do it.
I live my life letting people think I'm ok and I have a great life but really it's all just a cover up to forget about the reality of the situation. Obviously it's not always like this but it's nearly a daily occurrence. And that sucks. Here I am back to square one. Great.
It's all just suddenly become a little too much for me. I started university last week and it was going well until today, this morning actually. I woke up at 6am, got dressed and ready with plenty of time to spare, so I got to my class half an hour early - because sometimes that is how long it takes for me to settle down. I could wake up at 7am and make class on time, but I need that extra time to calm my body and allow everything to sink in around me. Is this why I'm always drained out? Probably, and also because I spend half my night overthinking every situation possible, and having a good few hours sleep.
Today has challenged me. Not only my mental state, but also whether I can actually go through with finishing my degree. I have always been scared of it getting to this point and now it has, and it feels absolutely rubbish. I know I've got a hard few weeks ahead of me and a massive decision to make, a decision which could change my future completely. As my Dad has always said, it's my health that comes first and that's all that matters in this case.
What good has come out of this? I'm being honest with myself and others around me. I don't tell every single person I know because it's not what everyone wants to hear and also it's not really any of their business. But some people deserve to know what's going on. My dad reminded me on the phone today that so much good has come from the past year and getting the help I've needed, and that's being open with my mental health and telling someone when something isn't right. My parents are my biggest support system and I don't know how I would cope day to day without them being right beside me every step of the way. It breaks me every time I lie to their faces and say everything is ok when it's actually not. It's horrible to lie to your loved ones but it means you're facing reality, and that scares me.
I've been reminded several times how brave and courageous I have been over the past year. I had 8 weeks of counselling over summer, which helped an awful lot and she was just lovely, and she is amazed how I went travelling for two months at the beginning of the year, lived in China for a year by myself, along with other crazy adventures, yet when it comes to do the simplest things in life like going to a lecture it's nearly impossible for me to go without a bump in the road along the way.
Anxiety, thanks for making me believe I can do more than I thought. But for now, can you just PISS OFF?
I'm going to be truthful, I was 10000% scared (and I still am) of introducing posts about my mental health to the world, but what should I be scared of? Sadly mental health is so common these days so we need to get the word out there and support one another! I am not alone in this, and you are not either.