Dear Anxiety: I WON’T Let You Win.

You can't beat me. I won't let you win. Can you just go away?

Anxiety is unexplainable. One minute I'm laughing away, travelling, doing any normal person would be doing, the next minute I'm shut in my house incapable of facing the outside world. Why does this happen to us? When we've done nothing wrong and just want to live the best life but we can no longer. We can no longer do the simplest of things, no longer just breathe normally, no longer sit down for 5 minutes without feeling like you are at the absolute bottom of the world. We can no longer do it.

I live my life letting people think I'm ok and I have a great life but really it's all just a cover up to forget about the reality of the situation. Obviously it's not always like this but it's nearly a daily occurrence. And that sucks. Here I am back to square one. Great.

It's all just suddenly become a little too much for me. I started university last week and it was going well until today, this morning actually. I woke up at 6am, got dressed and ready with plenty of time to spare, so I got to my class half an hour early - because sometimes that is how long it takes for me to settle down. I could wake up at 7am and make class on time, but I need that extra time to calm my body and allow everything to sink in around me. Is this why I'm always drained out? Probably, and also because I spend half my night overthinking every situation possible, and having a good few hours sleep.

Today has challenged me. Not only my mental state, but also whether I can actually go through with finishing my degree. I have always been scared of it getting to this point and now it has, and it feels absolutely rubbish. I know I've got a hard few weeks ahead of me and a massive decision to make, a decision which could change my future completely. As my Dad has always said, it's my health that comes first and that's all that matters in this case.

What good has come out of this? I'm being honest with myself and others around me. I don't tell every single person I know because it's not what everyone wants to hear and also it's not really any of their business. But some people deserve to know what's going on. My dad reminded me on the phone today that so much good has come from the past year and getting the help I've needed, and that's being open with my mental health and telling someone when something isn't right. My parents are my biggest support system and I don't know how I would cope day to day without them being right beside me every step of the way. It breaks me every time I lie to their faces and say everything is ok when it's actually not. It's horrible to lie to your loved ones but it means you're facing reality, and that scares me.

I've been reminded several times how brave and courageous I have been over the past year. I had 8 weeks of counselling over summer, which helped an awful lot and she was just lovely, and she is amazed how I went travelling for two months at the beginning of the year, lived in China for a year by myself, along with other crazy adventures, yet when it comes to do the simplest things in life like going to a lecture it's nearly impossible for me to go without a bump in the road along the way.

Anxiety, thanks for making me believe I can do more than I thought. But for now, can you just PISS OFF?

I'm going to be truthful, I was 10000% scared (and I still am) of introducing posts about my mental health to the world, but what should I be scared of? Sadly mental health is so common these days so we need to get the word out there and support one another! I am not alone in this, and you are not either.

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12 Comments

  1. Sinead Schouten
    October 2, 2017 / 4:12 pm

    Thank you for being so honest! Anyone's who's grappled with anxiety issues definitely knows the struggle. If you haven't checked it out already, maybe talk with admin at your school and see if they can make any in-class adjustments that help your mental health? But always pick what's best for you, of course ❤️Sinéad | sincerelysinead.com

  2. Rachael Shortt
    October 2, 2017 / 4:17 pm

    You're most certainly not alone! I too suffer badly with anxiety and depression. You're so lucky to have a great support system in your parents. I haven't managed to make it to uni yet (I'm working on it, but anxiety has other ideas!) you can do it! PaleGirlRambling xo

  3. Beeing Sophie
    October 2, 2017 / 4:33 pm

    I've now taken TWO years out of my degree, for mental health reasons, but will return in January to graduate (all things going to plan!) I admit that the prospect does TERRIFY me, so you're not alone and i hope you can take some comfort from that.But honestly, my heart was bursting with pride for you right now – mostly because you have been honest here! You wrote that you put on a brave face, but by writing that you're finding the courage and strength to admit it's not all perfect. I am the first to wear that mask and crumble underneath. I did so for so many years. I'm finally opening up more, something my blog helped hugely with. So i truly am so proud of you for writing this. Never lose faith in the hope of *someday*. Someday it will be better, it may never be 100% and there may be slips along the way. But there WILL be better days. You will be okay xxxx

  4. Ashlee Mo
    October 2, 2017 / 5:11 pm

    Awhhh; this post is definitely relatable to so many people and you are not alone. So brave sharing something so honest with everyone. Stay strong and I'm happy you've got a great support system.Ashlee | ashleemoyo.com

  5. HannahLoveBook
    October 2, 2017 / 5:12 pm

    Such and honest, beautiful and raw post! It was so brave of you to talk and post about this. Admittedly I am so scared and anxious when it comes to completely my degree too but you've gave me hope that it will be ok. Thank you x

  6. Lisa McLachlan
    October 2, 2017 / 5:34 pm

    I think you are amazing. A year in China by yourself? I could never do something as courageous as this. And if you need to take a break from your degree to look after yourself then you should do that. You and your health are the most important things so, whatever you decide to do in life, make sure you put yourself first. XLisa | http://www.lisasnotebook.com

  7. Ashlene McGurk
    October 3, 2017 / 2:53 pm

    Amazing Abbie! Such a brave thing to post. I always find its the small things that set my anxiety off, on simple thing and I have to take a little step back to reset myself. Keep doing what makes you happy and calms the anxiety and you will get over this little bump in the road!Ashlene – allshehas.com

  8. Britt K | Alternatively Speaking
    October 3, 2017 / 3:00 pm

    Thank you for sharing this, I know it's not easy to be open about topics like anxiety and mental health. You've got this! Just remember that taking care of YOU is priority #1! Britt | http://alternativelyspeaking.ca

  9. kayleigh Zara
    October 3, 2017 / 6:12 pm

    This is such an honest post, thanks for sharing! I don’t think a lot of people really understand how university can mentally affect you, I struggle with severe depression and my last year of university was so hard. I think if you need the time out or want to stop you should! XKayleigh Zara ��www.kayleighzaraa.com

  10. Soph
    October 3, 2017 / 6:15 pm

    !I love how open and honest this post is! Talking about Mental Health and Anxiety is so hard and i know this post can't have been easy for you to write but it's going to help so many people! Soph | http://www.planetwhispers.blogspot.com

  11. Andi Matzen
    October 3, 2017 / 6:36 pm

    I genuinely believe that anyone and everyone with anxiety will understand and relate to your struggle! I’m exactly the same – I can be perfectly fine one minute, and totally introverted the next! It makes it super difficult to explain to those around you, which is what I struggle with the most.. I hope that university gets easier for you, just remember to keep your head high! ��Andi | http://www.andthenzen.co.uk

  12. Faisal Ali
    October 3, 2017 / 7:21 pm

    Amazing post because of the honesty not the content. It was bravery if you post this and if you keep showing this bravery, I hope it will help you get better. Wishing you the best!

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